Some days it feels like Casey has been gone for so long, and others it feels like it just happened. Time has really been messing with my head. We are still doing our best to keep ourselves busy and distracted from reality, but some days just suck. We get through them and do our best to make our baby girl proud.
Friday was 3 months. It was a hard and a good day at the same time. Tim found himself face-to-face with one of the suction machines and couldn’t help but push the button to see if the battery was still charged. I’m glad of glad it wasn’t. I think that sound may have been more than I could have handled. When he pointed out that the batteries no longer held a charge we realized it was the 10th and both of us were hit with the 3 month reminder as we stood there staring at each other and the machines.
We had a special event to attend over lunch for Casey, so that helped a lot. Casey’s girl scout troop was at camp all last week. There were lots of other troops there as well- about 150 kids total. The camp does a service project each year and this year they chose Casey’s Circle. Since we do the holiday party and Santa gives all the kids books, the scouts all made special book marks. They were all so sweet and we loved each and every one of them. The last day of camp was Friday and Tim and I were invited to pick-up the bookmarks as part of their closing ceremonies. All of the scouts knew about Casey and put their hearts into their project. It was really special for us. We explained to the group that Casey loved reading, arts and crafts & being a scout. It was pretty cool that they were able to combine 3 of her favorite things into that one project.
The campers and staff all wore camp tshirts all week. On the last day all of the kids signed each others shirts. One little girl in Casey’s troop reminded her mom, the troop leader, that they needed 9 shirts not 8. Casey was going to camp with them. She told her mom Casey would be up in the clouds watching over them all week. They got a shirt for Casey and everyone signed it for her. We brought it home and hung it up in her closet. She got a camp badge too. I still need to put her cookie badges her vest too. One day I will be able to do it. Right now the badges are just waiting for me in her girl scout box.
Casey’s friend Giuli passed on July 10th, almost 3 years ago now. Giuli would have turned 9 earlier this month. Giuli’s brother and sister also have June birthdays so their parents did a big party for all 3 kids this weekend. Before everyone went home they had a special balloon release for Giuli and her mom mentioned that she and Casey were up in heaven celebrating together. I hate that they are going through so much pain as well. Yet, I am thankful to have them as such close friends though. They understand what we are going through and have helped us a lot. It brings me a lot of peace to know Casey is not alone up there. Next month the 10th is going to be hard. It will be 3 years since Giuli passed and 4 months for Casey.
A lot of people ask if it gets better over time, or if things are slowly getting easier. No, not really. There are good days and bad, but I may have a week where I feel like I am doing okay and then out of no where I am just overcome with emotions. There will never be a day that I am not missing Casey. Some days I will be better at hiding my pain, or staying busy so I am not focused on it, but it will never be the same. I am a better person because of Casey. After losing her I am still that better person, just missing a piece. I will never be whole, and I have to learn to live with that.